I will, soon enough.
But right now, I feel a deep need to experience – and really own – my feelings about it before I put it out there.
This is not something that I’ve always been able to do.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve given something away before I’ve really had the chance to inhabit it myself – to sit with the swirling of emotions and let them settle without adding a lot of outside noise.
I remember reading an article, years back, about not forcing young kids to share their new toys and gifts. How children have a deep need to own it – to feel it out, to try it out, to enjoy it for a little while on their own – before they are ready to share.
I get that.
And yet, somehow, I came to believe that being brave and authentic as a woman meant being willing to risk – and expose – it all. Somehow, I equated authenticity with being fearless in my ability to share what’s up with me. And I would get all knotted up inside when I felt that I was holding back.
But now, I see holding back, at times, as an act of self-care.
It’s about taking our time to unwrap the gift – even if it doesn’t always appear to be so – and letting our feelings about it surface, and swirl, and shift. And allowing our resolve – whatever it may be – take root.
And while we still may not have the answers about what we’ll make of it, or how we’ll put it to use, or where we’ll go from here, we’re grounded in our experience of it.
And so, while I believe whole-heartedly in intimacy and connection and not walking our paths alone, remember this much: you don’t need to give it all away.
Because, sometimes, we need to savor, grieve, rejoice, cry, explore, be with privately – and in the company of those who are truly able to hold the space for us that we need – for just a little while longer.
So that we may be transformed. And ready to carry on.